Saving All My Blogs for You....
If you have been following my last couple of blogs..first of all..thank you and secondly...my most recent (below)..comes with a Government Health Warning and not for the squemish...(tell me about it..I have to live with her!!)

Out of hospital. Snout still sore but getting back to normal.

The last time I was in hospital, I was ten years of age. Funnily enough it was also for an op. on my nose. Adenoids I think. I do remember that I got some yummy jelly and ice-cream afterwards which was great.

Not so lucky this time. After arriving at 7.00am I discovered that there wasnt a bed for me. Now I realise the NHS are stretched to the limit and I am not unsympathetic to the cause. My family has certainly had a lot to thank dedicated staff for over the years. This is merely my experience and one which I am in no hurry to repeat.

Back to the action.....cue Holby City and go....anyway...

A couple of very important looking people did come to see me with charts..rattled through the same questions. I signed a form and they were off.

09.30 and I was frazzled. No brekkie...no sleep...made Ev a very grumpy girl (yes..I know..so unlike me!) 09.32 and I was finally ushered to a bed. Less than ten minutes later. Mr "Junior Scrubs" announced that I was being whisked away to theatre. Still clutching my night bag like "orphan Annie" I was prompty told to "strip off" behind the curtain. Now in normal circumstances and in the right company this may have been an appealing thought. However when you are the "newbie" in the Bay and the boarders are staring at you, there comes a time when you become a little self-conscious or in my case babble an inane amount of rubbish. One woman cried out to me "watch him..he'll be chatting you up before you get there..." Hmmmm...the words "chatting up" now where had I heard them before?...oh yes 1985 (those were the days!) Looking my best in Marks and Sparks top quality "breeks" complete with "goonie" tied up the back I made my way to "centre stage." I looked divine...yeah right!

Now why is it that when you wake up from an anaesthetic no-one tells you that you are likely to need a sick bowl and pronto? No-one also tells you that you are likely to be sick in front of a bay full of strangers and their visitors...yep..sheets...jammies the lot. The nurse said to me.."ahh bet youll be feelin' better after that". "No I bloody well dont..thank you very much." my inner petulant child replied!

I left my dignity at the door that day though I have to say that by the end of the evening I was not alone. One woman thought she might even come and keep me company and be"nautious pals" together. I dont know what she thought I was going to do. She sat there at the end of my bed poised....I did feel a bit sorry for her as she was an old lady and felt a bit lost however its bad enough being sick yourself but hearing it, or worst of all seeing it just a few feet away from you did nothing to improve those post operative blues.

To make matters worse, when my family came to visit me at night I was lucky enough to cop a constant nose bleed throughout. Everyone looking..or so I thought. I cried for the nurse who plonked an ice-bag on my snout and told me off for tipping my head back as I was making it worse. This I hasten to add had been going on for three hours and I was royaly fed up. My brother..to make matters worse thought he would audition for "Carry On..Nursing.." when he proceeded to tip a cup of orange juice down my throat. Yep..youve guessed it the jammies got the lot. He laughed a lot. I bled a lot. Felt like crying a lot. Happy..I was not!

Home now and things had settled down or so I thought until I discovered that one of my neighbours is putting their rubbish in my bin. I have spoken to the suspected party before..but to no avail. I have written a note to suspected party before...again to no avail. I dont mind people putting their old cack in my bin provided they have a good reason and they ask me. Im a civilised woman. I like to reason things out. Make love...not Bin Bags. I dont enjoy lugging other peoples rubbish along a long gravelled path once a week particulary when they are too lazy to empty their own. Thankfully my sense of smell has yet to return otherwise I would be running for the nearest clothes peg to stick a the end of my indelicate nose.

I have been reasonable....rational and polite about the whole thing. Now..its time to get tough...I have thought this through and have come up with a game plan. Hours of my convalesence have been dedicated to the fight for justice....goodwill and peace to all bag tags. All suggestions gratefully recieved and I promise not to put them in your bin afterwards...

Perhaps I should take my plight to the Press..they know how to "sniff" out a story...
"Neighbour causes stink in bin row..."
or
"Ive had a "snuff" says disgruntled nasal patient"
Thanks for reading and stay tuned for some "happy thoughts" from Evs World..and yes there really are some....Next Episode...
Roll VT....and goodnight or in my case..."good-dight"

Know What I Mean Harry...

Well..the countdown to my hospital op has began.

This time next week I will be propped up in a hospital bed with a splintered snout, a pathetic pout and a couple of black eyes. Thank goodness for Touche Eclait!

Im not too concerned about the op as Ill be conked out (hopefully) for an hour and a half. Ive booked my dream ticket already and Brad Pitt has the starring role. Im sure Angelina can spare him for a little while. After all, I will be on an operating table for goodness sake. I need to look forward to something!

Worst case scenario Ill resemble Frank Bruno during Panto Season. Best case scenario maybe a little bit like Barbara Streisand (before the nose job). Now dont get me wrong. In my eyes..Babs is the quintessential power- woman. She can sing, dance, act, produce and take on Hollywood. This Funny Lady can also charge extorionate prices for concert tickets. You can see me for a fraction of the price. Ill ask the Ward Sister to charge an admission rate. Popcorn and Programme extra. I do a mean verson of "Rain On My Parade" and as an added bonus youll get the "nasal mix." at no extra charge.

Im thinking of posting some "before" and "after" mug shots but they may need to be Government Approved just in case they frighten little children and psychologically challenged pampered pooches. Ever since I gave my brother a digital camera he delights in taking the most unflattering pics you can imagine and sending them to me and anyone else that would find them funny.

Now, at the best of times I really dont take a good pic. A work colleague many years ago told me that I had an "orange slice" smile. And he is right. My brother, aware of the fact that Im uncomfortable with getting my pic taken somehow manages to spring a camera out of nowhere particularly during family gatherings.

His favourite is called "Classic Sneeze" which is..youve guessed it, a pic of me in mid sneeze. There are others..."Classic Cry Tears of Joy", "The Classic Cake Munch" and lets not forget "the Classic Yawn"..a particular favourite of his. As I have been invited to convalese for a couple of days at "Chez Broon" you can imagine my uneasiness at the prospect of Aberdeens answer to David Bailey (he wishes!) snapping me at my very worst. I hasten to add that he is under strict instructions to never publish the afore-mentioned or I will be forced to release the "baby pics." And..yes..alright. He was the cute one!

Im not noted for my cheery disposition, particulary in the mornings as my fellow blogger Missymartin can testify. Im not too sure what kind of patient I am likely to be. Under strict instructions to rest and avoid stress. Im likely to be blogging like crazy over the next week or so. You have been warned.

Ill leave you tonight in the good old tradition of AM cheesiness with some songs Ill be listening to through my Hospital Radio Headphones.

Spray You..Spray Me. ....Sinus Richie
Dont Stop Till You Get a Snuff ....Michael Jackson
Diggin Your Snout...The Blow Monkeys
Hand on Your Hankie ....Kylie Minogue
Inside Snout..Odyssey
Love Will Save The Spray...Whitney Houston
Is Vicks There?....Department S
Sneeze Release Me...Tom Jones
Copacabana...Barry Manilow (of course)
Love Me For A Sneezin....Boyzone
Ev x

Ive just brought my Mum up from Fife for the weekend in part to celebrate my nephews second birthday.

Now Mum and I have always had an interesting relationship. We have had our moments. Like the time I was wearing one of her cool (or so I thought at the time) tops down town with my friends on a Saturday afternoon and she spied me at the Bus Stop. "Evelyn...Is that my top you are wearing?..." bellowing out from across the tarmac. I nearly died with embarressment.

There was another time that we ended up in Blackpool for a week at what can only be described as one of the those "come as a guest and leave as a friend" establishments..only in this case the sign should have read "leave offended." From having our photographs taken eating our meals and then being hussled into another room. We were then enouraged to purchase said offending item which by the time we had finished our puds was elegantly positioned in a cheap white plastic frame with a fiver price tag stuck on it!

I had to dry my hair in the corridor (long story) and the landlday perched herself on the bar stool every night wearing a feather boa and a floaty creation.

Worst of all my Mum got thrown off a bus for arguing with the conductor. I was mortified. I still have memories of her waving a choice fist in the air at the driver in the middle of the afternoon. I think it was the sea air. Quoting Dickens.."It was the best of times...it was the worst of times" and the most memorable and happiest holiday I have had. And, it was with my Mum...Any street cred I have managed to accumulate over the years is now slipping away..yes I know..but its the truth nonetheless.

We very rarely agree, particularly when it comes to fashion, boyfriends or hairstyles. This has gone on for years. Even yesterday I got myself a funky looking style which I loved. I got home and my Mum uttered the immortal words "what have you done to your hair?" My brother, who used to be in a punk band and frequently dyed his hair a variety of colours throughout his adolesence went unoticed! I on the other hand could not win.

I bought an ornamnet this week. Which incidentally is a big event in my life! My Mums house is "Ornament City" and I avoid them like the plague. One of my favourite things to do in my lunchhour is nip down to the Candle Close Gallery just down the road from College. Its one of my favourite shops and I spotted a little sculpture of a boy which for some reason I just had to have. I loved it. Yes..youve guessed it..My Mum said it was "awful.."

Im pleased to say that despite our differences she is one of the most funniest, brightest and most cantankerous women I know and I wouldnt have it any other way. The Family home is held together with bits of blue tac and string. She continously amazes me with ideas on how to repair bits and bobs around the house with anything she can lay her hands on! Im convined that if Blue Peter were recruiting in the good old days, my Mum would have passed the audition. What she cant do with an old Washing Up Bottle is anybodys business.

They do say that daughters eventually turn into their mothers. Twenty years ago I would have shirked away from that statement Im ashamed to say. Today, Im very proud of who she is..what she has achieved and her sheer zest for living despite the struggles.

And I dont have even have to buy her a Mothers Day card as she doesnt believe in the commercial hype!

Love you Mum...but not your ornaments
Ev x